you're under attack

We try to discourage zombie love for all the obvious reasons: death, infection, dismemberment, looking crazy. But there will be those who will ignore our dire warnings anyway.

So in an effort to avoid emulating the pope and Catholic church, we won’t say abstinence is the only way. Instead we are telling you to never engage in zombie sex and love BUT if you must, then proceed with these warnings and tips in mind. Think of them as your condom.

Here are ten tips in total, split up into zombie love and zombie sex. Have fun.

5 Zombie Love Tips:

1. Emotional intimacy is difficult, understandably. Trick your mind into thinking your zombie partner’s gurgles and moans are in fact terms of endearment and vows of everlasting love. Your relationship is already in denial so just go with the flow.

2. Muzzle your zombie lover.

3. Keep them chained up at all times and locked in a kennel at night or when you are out.

4. Not all zombies are the same. Just because your friend’s zombie girlfriend is docile at dusk doesn’t mean yours will be too.

5. They are reanimated corpses. Feel free to use and abuse.

5 Zombie Sex Tips:

1. Disinfect all areas of contact after coitus.

2. Knock out all their teeth. You know why.

3. Seriously. Use a condom. You don’t want dead flakes of flesh and skin rotting in your private areas.

4. While erotic nibbling and biting is tempting, don’t do it. Infection can spread if there is a cut in your mouth.

5. Don’t have sex with a zombie.

Image courtesy of brainslide.