Zombiephilia – Part 2 of 3 Of A Zombie Sex And Love Exposé

Life is hard enough as it is, what with the living dead and the rising price of fuel.  So don’t complicate your life any further by becoming involved with a zombie.  I am here to warn you about falling in love with a zombie post infection.    You may know someone in this situation or you yourself may already be in this predicament.  Girls have long been fascinated with the “bad boy” stereotype and men may even find sex with a crazy bitch more exciting but when it comes down to it these relationships are poison and in the case of a zombie will most likely result in a fate worse than death.

Breaking Away From A Zombie Love Affair

The real question on everyone’s mind is why.  Two simple words:  why not.  You’ve nothing to lose, society as we know it is but a distant memory, you’re doomed anyway, it’s easier to give in than to fight, severe psychoses, you’ve had a series of abusive relationships and it’s a small pittance at an attempt to lead a normal life.  Combine all that with their subtle groans, calm demeanor, and intoxicating aroma, we’d be crazy not to engage in some zombie action

However, for the sake of survival, we would like to outline the basic steps in ending such relationships.  We recommend therapy during and after the breakup process.

1.    First make sure that he truly is a zombie and not just another vacant, hollow, shell of a person.
2.    If you care at all for this person, understand that they would have liked to been exterminated quite some time ago. So do them a favour.
3.    Do the break up right.  If you need to, take some time and work out your own issues first.  If you go in with any hesitation, your emotions may get the best of you and you will end up with your intestines splashed across your zombie lover’s face.
4.    Realize that this relationship is abusive and going nowhere but certain death.
5.    End the relationship.  This will be the hardest part.  Seeing through it is mentally and physically taxing.
6.    Your fragile mind will find this breakup quite problematic.  You may need to call for backup.
7.    Plan your exit carefully.  Taking the time to kill one zombie is giving time for the other zombies to locate you.
8.    Take clear action.  You owe this zombie nothing.  You did not know him before nor do you really know him now.  Don’t linger by the body, don’t bury it, don’t kiss it, and don’t engage in post killing coitus.
9.    Prepare for your immediate future.  Where will you go?  What will you eat?  Where are your weapons?
10.    Take some time to realize what a fuck up you were in the first place and vow never to repeat your past.

Relationships suck.  People cheat, lie, use each other, humiliate, degrade, and hurt.  But they won’t feast on your succulent flesh like a teenage boy performing cunnilingus for the first time.  Nor will they literally break (and eat) your heart.