Fellow readers, with Valentine’s Day recently passed, we would like to address a growing concern and imminent danger: zombie lovers. While this does not pertain to any one specific scenario, we believe that this topic is of the utmost importance and will affect all of us at some point or another.
Who can say that they have not felt the illicit and oft fatal attraction to a member of the undead? Certainly not we. We would like to outline the major forms of zombiephilia and how one can combat the heartbreak that will follow the inevitable break up. We hope that through this blog post and further education, you will recognize the dangers you are in should you find yourself in the following situations and take the correct course of action.
Please not that zombiephilia is in no way similar to necrophilia, which is just gross and wrong.
Zombie Love Is A Killer
The most common of the zombiephilias is being in love with someone who has become a zombie. In this case, love was present before the infection and the zombiephiliac is merely attached to the shell of a person his or her lover has become.
This type of zombiephilia is the most dangerous as the zombiephiliac cannot reconcile with the fact that his loved one is no longer a person. He will therefore submit to his heart’s desires and fall prey to the infection himself.
A pragmatic person of sound mind would have cleaved in or shot his lover’s head from the onset of the bite, but alas, fools walk among us. Many have been lost to easily preventable lovers’ bites. If you have found yourself in this situation and are having trouble coming to terms with the death of your lover, please follow these simple steps to assure your survival.
1. Examine what happened and ask yourself why – The answer is simple: she is a zombie that will eat you. This will help you understand why you have to exterminate your lover and help you move on much quicker. You can finally make your move on that cute barista who isn’t a flesh-gorging corpse.
2. Do not second-guess your decision – Do not think that there is a cure, that your lover will change, or that maybe your lover was the exception. No, she is the rule. Her body will reanimate only to feast upon your flesh. You made the right decision in firing that Winchester at her skull. Accept it and move on.
3. Keep your distance – Move away from the body and shield your eyes if you have to (though not for long as other zombies will be moving in). No one wants to remember their loved one as a pile of rotting flesh with their brains blown halfway across the room. Do not give your lover a last kiss. There have been reported cases of people being bitten due to semi-intact brains. Do not give your lover a burial unless you are sure they are dead and that no more zombies are nearing.
4. Deal with the pain – Have a few long cries and talk to family and friends. But keep it short, many have suffered worse fates and you’re still alive. That’s plenty to be thankful for. Man up.
Steps 1, 2 and 3 should take 2 and a half minutes maximum and give yourself one or two days for Step 4. In a zombie apocalypse, time is scarce.
Stay tuned for the next post, in which we will discuss the second most common form of zombiephilia: feeling arousal or attraction to only the undead.
I'm Gabby, digital marketer by day, aspiring [fill in the blank] by night.
If I have sex with a zombie, can I get pregnant?
No, you cannot be impregnated by a zombie. One of the few perks of zombie sex, really. However, I would advise against it due to potential infection and on the off-chance that a new strain of infection will actually allow impregnation. It will be far worse than that night you caught gonorrhea and a urinary tract infection at the same time.
QQ: what if you never knew the zombie whilst alive, but fell in love with its casual grace / groans? Taking it for walks, buying it ice cream, fondling it in its unsleep? (Not that I would know anything about that.)
It’s a common case that you’re describing. Similar to falling in love with a convict or your captor, falling in love with a zombie for the simple fact that they’re a zombie is as common as it is dangerous. I will be delving into this topic in the next post so stay tuned and until then, be safe.
Hi there,
Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day!
Thanks
Is the swine flu outbreak in anyway caused by zombiphilia? Are the news outlets too afraid to publish this information?
It’s hard to tell. The government and media outlets are clearly untrustworthy sources. While unconfirmed, there have been rumours that those infected with the “swine flu” have exhibited zombie-like behaviour. If true, the government would keep this under wraps and terminate those infected swiftly. Families are then moved or silenced.
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