Why yes, Tom Ford, yes you can release me from the constraints of modern society.

Is it so wrong to be driven by purely material goods? Today I went shopping with my roommate Leanne. We literally get high when we go shopping and sometimes have to remove ourselves from the vicinity of glossy high heels and shiny objects just so we can come back to reality. Yes, I would say our decision-making abilities are greatly compromised when we’re around the likes of Louis Vuitton and Tom Ford. However, I understand that all of this is shallow and materialistic.

But when I think about passion and doing what I love, the only thing I can think about is all the stuff I can buy.  So maybe I haven’t discovered my dharma yet. And I guess until I find something I love more than expensive handbags and high priced silk scarves, I guess I’ll be broke. Spiritually and financially.

I’d like to quote Alec Baldwin as Jack from 30 Rock:

Money can’t buy happiness; it is happiness.

Following that line of thought, I shouldn’t even bother with shopping malls. I should just dive into my own pool of dirty dollar bills. But I just can’t shake off my need for expensive stuff. What’s up with that? Maybe because I don’t have any class, I figure I can buy myself some? I just love stuff and I want to surround myself with nice things. People are optional but they have to look nice too.

So if any of you have any ideas on how I can love stuff and things a little less and focus on the finer things in life, such as friendship, and love, and all that blah blah blah, let me know. Below. Yes, leave me a comment.

BTW. You can customize your own Longchamp bag over here (and way cheaper than buying in Malaysia).

Here’s one magical personal growth process I’d like to share.

The 5 Crucial Elements of Success (as I like to call them)

Desire: You’ve gotta have great desire to see your most wanted outcome come true.

Timing: In this case the “when” is more important than the “how”. Wait for the right moment to strike. It’ll come. Patience.

Creative visualization: You’ve gotta have it clear in your head what you want, how it’ll feel, what it’ll look like, smell like, taste like. So if you’re dying to jump into bed with a certain girl, try making a doll of her and start there. Whatever works so long as the full image is in view.

Direction: Clear target. This is where you will throw all your energy, focus, and magic manifesting skills at.

Balance: Don’t get too far-fetched here. Be realistic. You’re not going to get a 6-pack over night if you look like Rosie O’Donnell. So have some common sense.

Now where are these 5 keys to success from? Your friendly neighbourhood Satanist! It’s from the Satanic Bible by Anton LaVey! Don’t believe me? Go to the omnipresent Wiki >> Satanism is pretty sweet. It’s all about materialism and individualism. 2 of my favourite isms.

Maybe all those Bible-thumping Jesus freaks are onto something about the New Age, personal growth movement. They’re all devil worshippers!

But my greed and materialism far outweigh the prospect of hell and I really want an iPad, so hail Satan!

But let me just get it out of the way and say it’s for those seeking life purpose, higher connections, spirituality, and all that, which let’s face it, is almost everybody. Just very few people admit it.

Now, normally I wouldn’t read something like this but I was stuck on an island and had finished the book I originally brought. Faced with staring at the Islanders stare at the white chicks or reading my travelling companion’s book, I stuck with the latter. It proved to be a good choice.

The story starts with one Dan Millman. Champion athlete, full scholarship at Berkeley, king of the world. But like so many angsty hormone-riddled boys, he gets depressed and starts to question the world. PORQUE, MARIA, PORQUE??? So instead of throwing himself into binge drinking and every girl on campus, he decides to walk to a gas station at 3 in the morning because that’s the obvious call to action.

There he meets a mentor whose flashy white hair is mentioned myriad times in the book. Dan then begins a regimen of meeting this strange old man, nicknamed Socrates, almost every night often past 12 am. This strange mystical fellow then brings Dan onto a spiritual journey that lasts over a decade. Throughout this journey, you learn what Dan learns. Neat stuff, eh.

While the premise of a young boy meeting an older man at a gas station at 3 o’clock in the morning does resemble a pedophile’s wet dream, you soon learn to trust that everything is going according to plan and that all will unfold perfectly. Which is one of the key themes of the book.

My big takeaway from this book is to let things go and how to become a “peaceful warrior” who has full control of his emotions so that he/she can remain “unreasonably happy”.

One of my favorite quotes from the book (sorry, may have given away the ending):

“Feelings change… Sometimes sorrow, sometimes joy.  But beneath it all remember the innate perfection of your life unfolding.  That is the secret of unreasonable happiness.”

Hahahahahahaha! Take that Chinese parents! I don’t need to be a doctor or accountant. My life is unfolding perfectly! MWUAHAHAHAHA.

Anyways…

Good read, short read, and if you’re lazy, watch the film adaptation, which I doubt is as good.  I really recommend it to people who’ve just been dumped, had their car scratched, or are fond of holding grudges.

Zombies weren’t mentioned in the book but if they were, I’m sure they’d be all part of the plan, part and parcel of the mystical unfolding of the Universe, and would probably be an accepted part of the warrior’s path.

In any case, I’m a little more open to reading personal growth books now. So if you have any suggestions drop a comment.

Here’s one more quote that’s tucked away under favorites:

“No amount of knowledge will nourish or sustain your spirit, it can never bring you ulimate happiness or peace.  Life requires more that knowledge; it requires intense feeling and constant energy.  Life demands right action if knowledge is to come alive.”

But my year and a half in KL has taught me a lot about the importance of patience and impatience. Mainly these 2 things.

1. Patience is a virtue.

Everything moves at the speed of the Obama administration. So there’s no point getting angry and frustrated over things which you have no control over.

Example being the taxis. Sometimes they feel like working, sometimes they don’t feel like working. But it’s not their fault. Everybody is entitled to tea time and slacking off at work. So I learned to be patient, to smile, and get over things. Eventually the end result will happen but in the mean time just grin and bear it. It’s much to hot in KL already.

And another thing. When you lose our patience, the next logical step is losing your sanity. Slippery slope.

2. Patience will get you no where.

Taxis and patience go hand in hand the way loner cat people and the internet go together. But when you want shit done sometimes, patience will only make you look like the fool at the end of the bar trying to get a drink without raising his voice.

Case in point. I wanted to fix my internet because here the interwebz is a luxury similar to that of having a virgin slave rub your feet. While Singapore enjoys a minimum of 11 mb/s, you have to pay extra in KL just to get 5 mb/s. And while the government hypocrisy in Malaysia is fairly consistent, the internet here is not. Like the taxi drivers, sometimes it wants to work and other times it’s taking a break.

Well, for the last 2 weeks my internet decided to stop working. It took me 2 weeks to get the telcom people to send someone over. How did I manage to get them to fix my internet? By being impatient. I basically called their company useless amongst other things. Oops. My Canadian tendencies are slipping away from me.

If I hadn’t acted impatient with the internet gods that be, I’d still be waiting around for a technician. Lesson learned. Don’t wait for the buggers to call back, just call them yourself. And don’t forget to ask for their supervisor’s name, supervisor’s supervisor’s name, etc.

So when do you choose to be patient versus impatient?

Be patient when:

• Eating – this’ll teach you to enjoy food more and savour the art of slow food. If you let slow service slide you’ll enjoy better digestion too.
• Dealing with taxis – there’ll always be a taxi around the corner and trust me, you dont want to bully a taxi driver into driving you unless you want to end up on the side of a highway walking back home.
• Using the internet – I didn’t say getting the internet, I said using it. Remember the old days of dial up and how annoying it was to watch porn? Well enjoy the slow internet because now you won’t watch as much porn and will probably go outside and socialize.
• Traffic – if you’re in a taxi, it’s nap time. If you’re driving, this is where you learn to sing your favorite songs.

Be impatient when:

• Getting your internet fixed. It’s not fair you’re paying for a non-existent service. And in a country where the internet provider has a monopoly, they really don’t care about keeping you as a customer.
• Dealing with men – Okay, this is just me being a feminazi bitch. My bad. But on the hand if he ain’t R-E-S-P-E-C-T-ing you, then drop him like it’s hot.
• Progressing your career – Suck it up, do the work, execute like King Henry VIII, and don’t wait for someone to give you your dream job on a silver platter.
• You feel a lump that shouldn’t be there – Common sense.

And despite the raunch, pessimism, and dirty sex, this book is probably the best personal growth book ever. Message: You can achieve whatever you want so long as you stick to it. A lot of rags to riches going on in this book.

My favorite quote:

Men have not found the words for it nor the deed nor the thought, but they have found the music. Let me see that in one single act of man on earth. Let me see it made real. Let me see the answer to the promise of that music. Not servants nor those served; not altars and immolations; but the final, the fulfilled, innocent of pain. Don’t help me or serve me, but let me see it once, because I need it. Don’t work for my happiness, my brothers–show me yours–show me that it is possible–show me your achievement–and the knowledge will give me courage for mine.

Read it. You won’t regret it.

And if there were zombies in this book, they’d be the collective masses, unthinking and mindless.

And by novel making, I mean to say my attempts to connect words together to form a coherent story that’ll tell the sordid tale of a boy who wakes up not knowing he’s a zombie. It’s a coming of age novel. The teen angst won’t be sexy.

By the by, I’ll also be throwing up some reading recommendations (not all books). Read them, don’t read them. I don’t care. Also, I preemptively apologize for my rambling drunk posts, which are sure to happen at some point.

Peace and kittens,

Gabby

Whether you enjoy flexing your creator muscles or take pleasure in sheer destruction, this zombie doll is for everyone.

It’s cute, it’s gangly, and it’s a tiny zombie you can take your anger out on. There’s no better way to practice your zombie-exterminating skills safely.

You can pick one up for a mere $12.99 at ThinkGeek.

Some things that you can take from it:

1. Be prepared – own a gun or rifle, at least a semi-automatic.
2. If caught without a weapon, be prepared to improvise.
3. Kill any family member that is bitten.
4. Don’t trust them damn commies.

The accusations made in this video as to the origins of the zombie virus are highly controversial. Made during the time of the Cold War, one can quickly understand the historical context of this video and its implications. The Zombie Menace, as the problem is referred to, sounds an awful lot like a certain communist threat.

But in any case, remember that all good Americans die for their country, just like the Hendersons in this video.  Spread the message.

Today there are so many movies, books and even *cough* websites dedicated to the oncoming zombie apocalypse and how to survive. All these overlook a certain reaction one could take when faced with one of these human brain eating and slow walking mutations… say fuck it and go with the flow.

As much as movies depict realistic and probable situations, the chances of surviving the zombie evolution as a human are nil. The zombie virus is more contagious than swine flu and twice as awesome.

I don’t know about you, but joining the ranks of the undead seems pretty sweet to me. You stumble around all day, chowing down on delicious braaaaaaaaains. Being a zombie would totally have major perks, like not worrying about dying. Standing around moaning and grunting all day would save so much wasted effort on syllables and enunciation, energy which could be put towards precious eating.

I mean, what are you leaving behind really? It was probably only a matter of months before your boss found you hanging from your cubicle because you found out that the words synergy, corporate social responsibility and 401K don’t really mean anything. Or the cats you’ve been collecting, in lieu of real human contact, realize that your internal organs are much tastier than the stale sour cream you’ve been feeding them.

There is no IF the zombie evolution will take place, it is just a matter of when. So in the words of that 12th grade boy who took your virginity in the back of a ’93 Toyota Corolla: Just let it happen.

Marney Beliveau
Zombie in training

from Frick We Love Cats.

Image courtesy of thieverr.

Let this video be a lesson. Never use zombies for your amusement, however terrible their singing may be and desperate they are for stardom.